I’m just awful

I am truly awful.

 

I’m nothing like the person I imagine I am.

Choice

THERE IS SO MUCH THAT IT SUFFOCATES ME.

Small world

Why is everyone interconnected in this incestuous web of relationships.

 

It’s unavoidable.

ERIK HASSLE!!!

The days hurts
The nights hurts
The light hurts
My eyes hurts
The darks hurts
My heart hurts
It all hurts

Thought Crime

Is it wrong to think of thoughts which are themselves wrong?

Is it wrong to have thoughts of things you know you shouldn’t do, even if you don’t act on them?

Is it wrong to have these thoughts at all?

 

Like is it wrong to think about stealing something even if you don’t?

 

Is it even a matter of right and wrong?

 

I don’t know.

The day is nearly over

and it’s annoying to think what this day could have been.

 

I’m nervous about Sunday though. Meeting new people is exciting but always a bit scary. It’s an important thing to do though.

 

I just want to meet someone and be blown away.

That’s all I want.

I don’t ask for much really.

A want

If you want something so much maybe that in itself should be reason to reassess why you want it;

 

but then after you have reassessed you may still have that longing;

 

and still all of this is pointless when you realise that your wants aren’t what matter in the first place.

Such a joke

I’m just sat here smelling a scarf.

 

It’s just all I’ve done for the last 10 minutes.

 

I caved in and now it’s just too much.

 

…

 

It’s gonna be a cold winter.

ERGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

Just the worst.

:]

Happy happy happy day.

Early Morning Musings.

I need to stop these stress dreams.

I just keep dreaming I’m near the top of this mountain about to climb into this cloud kingdom where everything is bright and colourful but then the mountain starts to shake and every time it shakes I stop climbing and hide.

You can’t just hide every time something shakes you though. Not if you want to get to the bright happy place. I know this. Knowing this doesn’t help.

I think a lot of my dreams revolve around the issue of ceding control in some areas. Like in some areas you have complete control. These areas are nice. Others force you to give so much to another person that it’s fucking terrifying. In my ideal world I think I would just be able to read peoples minds, then I would have some sort of passive control. You can’t just give up because of risk though. Right?

 

The bigger the risk the bigger the return. No?

 

Let’s say you have a choice. With opportunity comes opportunity cost. That is to say, if you choose one thing, the cost is not being able to chose all the other options. This principle applies to actions etc. So by choosing to do something you are sacrificing the benefits of not doing it.

Only with hindsight can you view whether it is worthwhile. And even then hindsight can only serve to make you feel bad. If you realise it was the right thing to do there is no benefit but if it was wrong it only serves to rub salt in the wound.

Choice is too much for anyone. Freedom is fucking scary. It’s confining in a way. Maybe I’m just living a paradox.

 

Only one way to find out.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Gah

 

DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

 

Good night.