Say it, just say it.

My boyfriend

2011-07-30T00:11:00.001+01:00

thinks I’m cheating on him.

Great.

P.S. I’m not

2011-06-03T01:30:00.001+01:00

I’m such a gremlin.

Just like him so much.

2011-06-03T01:16:00.001+01:00

I’m a bit scared

2011-05-29T22:54:00.001+01:00

I don’t know why I do this. I’m shifting into another self destructive period, I can feel it coming.

The smallest things are throwing me off balance.

Is it bad that I plan? I like to plan, planning shows you care. But then it’s like things get in the way of your plans and then you feel pretty bad about it. It’s not even anyone else's fault, I shouldn’t plan. I should not plan.

Peace out Planet Earth.

So..

2011-05-01T22:43:00.001+01:00

I’m meeting his friends tonight. This guy I’ve been seeing the past few weeks, rather intensely I should add, practically every day. Including the last 48 hours of constant contact.

I don’t know what's more amazing the fact he isn’t sick of me yet or the fact that I’m not bored of him.

Regardless, I’m extremely nervous. Meeting strangers is fine, meeting friends of friends is horrendous.

Push and pull.

2011-04-28T22:59:00.002+01:00

I'm so emotionally labile right now.
It is a worry how easily my moods change. Only one think is making me constantly happy right now.

Is life supposed to be a rain storm with small patches of sunlight? Sometimes it feels it.

It feels it an awful lot.

It's so easy to hate.

2011-04-24T01:56:00.002+01:00

It scares me how easy it can be to feel such a hate for someone. Maybe that's an exaggeration but just to feel dislike for someone based on such small things seems to happen alot for me. I don't mean to.

Maybe it's to do with jealousy, or feeling inferior. Who knows.

What does it mean?

2011-04-23T23:58:00.001+01:00

Ever get hung up on tiny things that don’t matter? My advice is…

DON’T!

GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHAGREHGEHE

2011-04-22T12:37:00.001+01:00

My internal monologue is rather eloquent at times.

Figures

2011-04-21T21:13:00.002+01:00

Numbers, shapes, images: they all apply.

But all of them mean almost opposites. What is a number when it doesn't correspond to an image, or a shape. What is a number when it has no physical shape or image that allows it to be seen apart from any other figure.

I know what is allowed. I know what is acceptable. I know what is discouraged.

The problem is that I know what I want. For the one forsaken time I seem to know, it's the wrong thing to want.

I could say FML, but what's the point? Let's be like the Swiss: stoically neutral (apart from regarding Islam).
Not fuck my life, this is life.

TIL

N.B. That's not as catchy as I thought it would be.

Wait just one minute with columbo style finger wag

2011-04-16T14:42:00.001+01:00

I found this…

It’s my attempt at an enjambment poem…

The Boy

Tears
flowing through
his open eyes
staring at the one
he realises
he has lost everything
with a word
he still has something
to love
is all that keeps him going
enough?

No more posts today.

2011-04-16T14:38:00.001+01:00

Except this one.

I promise to myself that I will stop planning my “ideals”. Stop trying to find the perfect ottoman to go at the foot of the bed in your perfect house. Stop trying to find the perfect lanterns to go in the accompanying perfect garden. And stop trying to find the perfect dinning set.

That is all.

This blog just cracks me up.

2011-04-16T14:14:00.001+01:00

The stats are just mental:

I had a referral from an australian photography website with about 40 hits

A Google search hit from the most bizare keywords

Seemingly really popular with Iranian and Afghan IP users. (makes little sense)

A dream and a picture just ruined my day

2011-04-16T13:59:00.001+01:00

First the dream. You can’t control dreams, this is the worst. This unbridled control your subconscious has over you. It can just ruin you and there is nothing you can do about it.

It was such a vivid dream though, I genuinely felt warmth and it was like some sort of virtual reality, I felt seriously awake, apart from the situation and things obviously told me otherwise. But it just reinforces this idea that I’m getting illegal thrills. I’m thinking about things that I have no right to think about anymore. I’m dreaming about affection that no longer exists.

I saw a picture today as well, it just jabbed a dagger of discomfort right on in there.

It’s like seeing the confirmation of something you’ve known for 4 or 5 or 6 months, something you’ve known that has made you feel something new. This emotion that cannot exist because of the contradiction. Like matter and antimatter cancelling each other out, just leaving nothing, just an emotional void. It’s bizarre considering how emotional I usually am.

One day it will be fine, it has to be. I mean it already is fine, it’s just my brain still hasn’t let go, it’s gripping on for dear life and trying to remind me that I should fight, but I can’t. It’s been over for a while. Wake up brain.

Wake up.

What do I want from people?

2011-04-11T23:05:00.001+01:00

Do you ever sit and question your actions undertaken on that day? I often find when I’m in bed I lie there and think about what I hoped to achieve by doing certain things and if I achieved them. Before you write me of as a self-involved overly reflective freak just hear me out.

Just take the time to sit and think about how you act with people and why that is. Human behaviours and our personalities are almost reflexes in a lot of ways, there are many things we do that we don’t consciously think about, especially in regards to human communication.

I sometimes find myself trying to goad responses out of people, trying to bait them to see how they would respond because I don’t know what they would do. This isn’t nice of course but I think it just points out how much I want to understand people. There are other things I do as well I’ve noticed. When I don’t know someone I tend to present myself as a much more moderate person, slowly becoming more extreme in my views until they have reached the correct spot. Maybe that’s normal but still it’s interesting to think that I don’t feel comfortable being completely me when I’m around someone new. I’m aware it’s quite normal but its interesting in the sense that we all do it. We all know that some people have more liberal or conservative ideas than us, we know that some people like jazz more or less than us, but a lot of people put themselves out as a much greyer and washed out version of themselves and then fill in the colours progressively.

Before I just confirm that I’m self-involved I will just say: tomorrow night or even tonight, think about how you acted with people, think about the phrases you use without thinking and maybe you’ll learn a little something about yourself.

PEACE OUT NEW YORK

I feel like I’m getting an illegal thrill.

2011-04-08T23:50:00.001+01:00

I feel like an addict who tells himself that this will be the last time, and then as soon as a supply opens up I’m diving in. I instantly feel bad and it’s a weird feeling, I actually feel bad in the short term and good in the long term. Which is a good thing!

Although I am kidding myself about it making me feel good in the long term.

I hate this. That’s probably my most used phrase. I sure do hate this.

I just want to say…

2011-04-02T00:56:00.001+01:00

I never stop thinking about you. Not ever.

I’m just awful

2010-12-16T10:26:00.001Z

I am truly awful.

I’m nothing like the person I imagine I am.

Choice

2010-12-15T11:18:00.001Z

THERE IS SO MUCH THAT IT SUFFOCATES ME.

Small world

2010-12-14T22:02:00.001Z

Why is everyone interconnected in this incestuous web of relationships.

It’s unavoidable.

ERIK HASSLE!!!

2010-12-14T13:34:00.001Z

The days hurts
The nights hurts
The light hurts
My eyes hurts
The darks hurts
My heart hurts
It all hurts

Thought Crime

2010-12-11T18:30:00.001Z

Is it wrong to think of thoughts which are themselves wrong?

Is it wrong to have thoughts of things you know you shouldn’t do, even if you don’t act on them?

Is it wrong to have these thoughts at all?

Like is it wrong to think about stealing something even if you don’t?

Is it even a matter of right and wrong?

I don’t know.

The day is nearly over

2010-12-10T23:38:00.001Z

and it’s annoying to think what this day could have been.

I’m nervous about Sunday though. Meeting new people is exciting but always a bit scary. It’s an important thing to do though.

I just want to meet someone and be blown away.

That’s all I want.

I don’t ask for much really.

A want

2010-12-10T20:30:00.001Z

If you want something so much maybe that in itself should be reason to reassess why you want it;

but then after you have reassessed you may still have that longing;

and still all of this is pointless when you realise that your wants aren’t what matter in the first place.

Such a joke

2010-12-08T18:17:00.001Z

I’m just sat here smelling a scarf.

It’s just all I’ve done for the last 10 minutes.

I caved in and now it’s just too much.

…

It’s gonna be a cold winter.

ERGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

2010-12-07T08:35:00.001Z

Just the worst.

:]

2010-12-06T22:32:00.000Z

Happy happy happy day.

Early Morning Musings.

2010-12-06T06:22:00.000Z

I need to stop these stress dreams.

I just keep dreaming I’m near the top of this mountain about to climb into this cloud kingdom where everything is bright and colourful but then the mountain starts to shake and every time it shakes I stop climbing and hide.

You can’t just hide every time something shakes you though. Not if you want to get to the bright happy place. I know this. Knowing this doesn’t help.

I think a lot of my dreams revolve around the issue of ceding control in some areas. Like in some areas you have complete control. These areas are nice. Others force you to give so much to another person that it’s fucking terrifying. In my ideal world I think I would just be able to read peoples minds, then I would have some sort of passive control. You can’t just give up because of risk though. Right?

The bigger the risk the bigger the return. No?

Let’s say you have a choice. With opportunity comes opportunity cost. That is to say, if you choose one thing, the cost is not being able to chose all the other options. This principle applies to actions etc. So by choosing to do something you are sacrificing the benefits of not doing it.

Only with hindsight can you view whether it is worthwhile. And even then hindsight can only serve to make you feel bad. If you realise it was the right thing to do there is no benefit but if it was wrong it only serves to rub salt in the wound.

Choice is too much for anyone. Freedom is fucking scary. It’s confining in a way. Maybe I’m just living a paradox.

Only one way to find out.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

2010-12-05T22:24:00.001Z

Gah

DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Good night.

Concrete

2010-11-17T09:56:00.001Z

I think until I know things are real with my own eyes I never really accept anything.

This week is going to be hard.

Haiku 2

2010-11-16T22:56:00.001Z

Why do I exist?
Is my life just a big joke?
Are you all laughing?

There is no reason.
It is not funny at all.
I really hope not.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Orchestra

2010-11-16T22:44:00.001Z

Orchestra was amazing. I just went for it. I had so much to put into it. I just wish today had gone differently. But I think i’m under the illusion that I’m in control of my life.

1:34 is the clarinet section that I adore. It’s so jumpy and happy over this texture of something sinister. I like it because I think I’m a naturally cheerful person. I feel it’s rather apt now because it’s in between two really fast and powerful sections and its just there and its happy to be what it is with nothing fancy on show.

How can one person make you feel this bad.

2010-11-16T14:53:00.002Z

DELETED

Oh so this is what it feels like

2010-11-16T14:22:00.001Z

Haven’t missed this one bit.

And all I want to do is hug him.

Shhhhhhhhh

2010-11-16T13:25:00.001Z

How can you explain how something someone did, which they view as being really awful, doesn’t seem as awful to you.

How can you forgive someone who doesn’t forgive themselves.

It’s just a horrible feeling, these situations where you forgive someone but still they are pent up about it and they can’t live with it. The worst thing is that these people are the best ones because they are the ones who you know will never do these things again. These people who want to protect you are the nicest people because of that very attribute.

I just want to swap bodies for a moment so he could understand.

Incidentally,

sometimes this blog is like writing in a diary and leaving it open on the coffee table. You write these things because you want someone to see because you don’t think saying them is enough.

Set back

2010-11-15T21:33:00.001Z

A major diversion from the path to happiness is in place.

I didn’t sanction this, but it’s here anyway.

You know how it is, you’re journey is going smooth, almost exciting. You sit with anticipation waiting to see where things end up then BAM!

Someone has thrown a spanner in the works.

The worst part is that in the current context of the situation my word means little. So I can’t help but feel one new yet oh so old friendship has just been killed and it was only just starting to make new shoots since the winter.

Maybe I just don’t have the green fingers I wish I did.

Is it a problem?

2010-11-15T19:30:00.001Z

No.

I don’t think so.

Maybe.

It is.

What have I done.

I don’t want my life to ever play out like this again.

The Wonders of the Modern Age

2010-11-12T16:21:00.000Z

Someone I think of during the day, someone I look forward to talking to at night. Someone who makes me smile and laugh at a little metal box.

I want to meet this man.

Communications

2010-07-18T13:38:00.001+01:00

Communications are tough. Long distance communications are tougher.

Risks of Communication ∝ The time between communications

Risks can include: over analysis of previous communication, exaggeration of reaction to communication, less importance is placed upon communication.

Hierarchy of communication methods (from lowest risk to highest risk)

Real-time communication (a. Face-to-Face Verbal, b. Verbal)
Psuedo-real time communication (Verbal with time delay, IM)
Short gap communication (SMS, E-Mail)
Long gap/Transit communication (Snail Mail)
Long physically limited communications (Interplanetary communications?)

There should really be a protocol for what sort of communications you can do at each level. For example you shouldn’t be expected to have negotiations on a level 5 communication speed. Emotionally loaded conversations shouldn’t really happen below level 2 (with 1a being the best for body language reasons.)

When you send someone something and won’t receive a reply for a while, just think about what you write. Don’t censor yourself but just consider if maybe the topic is suitable for the communication method you are using. You wouldn’t ask someone to go to the movies with you tonight via letter would you?

2010-06-28T14:45:00.000+01:00

I feel like a kid seeing complex Algebra for the first time. It's so complicated and foreign. My life is like this. I do not like it.

If life was easy for me to understand I would not like it.

Paradox.

OMGGGGG

2010-06-20T12:16:00.001+01:00

There is one person I just hate, I read his facebook and just hate him!!!

I just wish I had never even known of him. Ever. I also wish he didn’t feel the need to comment on every post that he see’s on facebook, regardless of whether he is involved or not.

Today

2010-06-17T18:51:00.001+01:00

Today has been a day where lots of things that were supposed have turned out to not be so.

This has applied to many different fields and levels in my life today. Here are some examples:

I realised that I am not as weak as I always think I am.

I realised that Nick Clegg is truly so mad for power that he has signed an economic death warrant for his own constituency.

I realised that some people just don’t want to be helped.

I realised that someone people are below the scopes of my liberal guilt.

I realised that I don’t need to take shit from jumped up little fuckers with nothing going on in their lives.

Human Experience v1.01

2010-06-04T20:11:00.001+01:00

Software update to account for the following bugs:

People are a sum of their dysfunction yet a person’s dysfunction is more than the sum of their parts.

2010-06-02T00:36:00.001+01:00

There are various points in a life which could go so differently if you knew one piece of information. Whole timelines could change if one tiny fact or figure was known a bit earlier.

Knowledge is power.

How do you say sorry to a person who thinks the word sorry is overused?

2010-06-01T14:20:00.001+01:00

It can’t be done because all the other words mean sorry.

Sorry is the lowest common denominator of all apologetic actions.

There is no apology that can’t be broken down into “Sorry”.

Giving gifts to apologise? I’d feel uncomfortable with essentially buying my pardon.

I’ve been thinking about apologies. I’ve narrowed the process down to 6 points:

Understanding the situation from both sides
Identifying the part of the situation for which the apology is needed
Understanding the consequences of this action
Taking responsibility for this action (This is essential, you can’t apologise if you don’t take responsibility, that’s why some people refuse to apologise in politics, because they don’t want something to be attributed to them)
Asking for forgiveness
Restitution (usually in the form of a promise or compromise)

The most vital parts are often the most criticised: 5 & 6. If you aren’t given forgiveness then there is literally nothing you can do. By all means keep trying but you will always ask yourself if they really meant it, you’ll always wonder if they just gave in to your repeated attempts. The promise is always a tricky area. People often say that there is no point in promising you won’t do something again because you will. but on the other hand what is the point in apologising if you don’t promise to not do it again. If you apologise without making a promise like that then it suggests you don’t meet criteria 2 or 3.

What’s worse is when you know that they think sorry is overused: every time you genuinely feel sorry for something you know that they will dismiss some part of it just for the choice of words used.

Also, someone who has lost faith in a word rarely uses it themselves. So you have to wonder how they apologise or if they do apologise.

It’s trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrricky.

I shouldn’t feel bad

2010-05-30T00:24:00.001+01:00

I’m sure I would act the same.

I hate saying stupid/pointless things just to get a smidge of attention.

JUST USE A JAR!

2010-05-29T10:31:00.000+01:00

Catching smoke isn’t that hard really.

My Life as a Mathematical Function

2010-05-28T23:32:00.001+01:00

(It’s ironic that I chose to do this now, isn’t it.)

I don’t think every life follows a set route based on various variables, or at least there would be so many variables there may as well be a unique formula for each life, but I often wonder if a life can be expressed as a function of various variables.

There are so many reasons I wouldn’t (if anyone) be able to do this. There is the question of quantifying various variables such as happiness, not to mention how to determine if variables can be broken down into smaller sub variables (Happiness – Maslow’'s Hierarchy).

A formula most probably wouldn’t have much use as an extrapolation tool, and I wonder if interpolation would actually be useful in terms of human life, but it might serve as some sort of cathartic tool for thinking about who I am.

More to follow.

Golly

2010-05-26T13:42:00.002+01:00

The whole world is out of one person’s control. This is a good thing. Or is it?

Our whole society is built around a system of Democracy. I don’t like Democracy. This isn’t a new feeling, it’s just something I feel I’m more able to discuss now I’m older.

Democracy is (from the Latin) a rule by popularity. So for a Democracy to work at it’s best we have to make the following assumptions:
1. The populous has to understand the state of the nation in it’s entirety.
2. The populous has to be able to understand the consequences of changes to policy.
3. The populous has to act in the best interests of the nation, act in a utilitarian way(not for self interest).
4. The populous must be able to remove media bias from any information they get from the media.
5. The populous must not hold preference for one party, and disregard things another proposes based on this preference.
6. The populous must not base decisions based on a party stereotype.
etc.

The list of conditions for a Democracy to work perfectly are endless.

If we take an issue like economic policy (as one of the many examples), the majority of people will not understand the majority of the economic jargon that is discussed. A lot of people will not understand the consequences of increasing interest rates on a macro level. Ultimately the majority understanding of economic policy is at the personal level. If a person believes they will be better off, then they believe the nation will be better off. This is not right. It is not right at all.

Sometimes I just sit and wish we had a benevolent dictator.

“It’s unfair for one person to have complete control over a country".” Shut up. Which is more moral, allowing a group of people to make bad decisions, or a group of people having good decisions forced upon them.

Crazy diets

2010-05-24T19:10:00.002+01:00

Today marks the first day of a new endeavour. I've started a new diet, called the General Motors diet. Today i've only been allowed to eat fruits. It's actually been quite nice. I've had strawberry, melon, orange and blueberries, all my favourite fruits.

I’ve had a weird few days. I seem to need to worry about something for my life to function. And now I have nothing. I did extremely well in my exams. Top 10% of the class well. Things with my boyfriend have never been better. There is just nothing to focus on :(

Quite depressing that stress is a requirement of my life.

ARGHHHHH

2010-05-20T11:10:00.003+01:00

so scared right now.

Work in progress.

2010-05-14T01:23:00.001+01:00

The empty plains. Such a flat landscape. Ultimately
every elevation serves only to destroy the view
for the people who cannot climb the heights.

I stand atop a frosty peak, alone.
I see all, or at least all I want to see.
I see others on their lonely peaks, looking down
in envy of the communities thriving in the valleys.

Human Experience v1.0

2010-05-10T00:32:00.002+01:00

Imagine if life was a software, let’s call it Human Experience 1.0. To use the software you interfaced your brain and it would download everything you had ever experienced.

One of the cooler features offered is the ability to replay key points, as if you were really there. But an even more exciting thing is the ability to rearrange every event in your life into an order you would prefer.

You could group everything together and live your life through in categories. Spend a few years sleeping, then a few months eating, a few good hours desperately needing the toilet, an hour or two experiencing an orgasm. You’d have to sit through years worth of lessons all at once, you’d have to feel all your anger at one time, all your sadness at another, you’d feel all the pain at one much longer time, but afterwards you would know it never had to be felt again.

You could resort your life alphabetically and relive all the events that way. Assembling flat pack furniture, burying your dead pet, combing your hair, driving, eating. In this example I think my life would end with a nice big yawn, which would be appropriate.

How about rearranging your life so it plays out geographically from north to south west to east. You start out on holiday in LA, then you go to Rio, then you’re in New York. You start to grow in England, and eventually make it on your own and head over to Europe and finally you end your life on that holiday you took to Sydney.

I think if I Human Experience 1.0 I would just select huge chunks and press delete, I think the rearrange feature is not as useful as the programmers thought.

To my readers (if any)

2010-04-27T01:37:00.000+01:00

Today marks a strange day. I stand at the point of multiple choice.
Tomorrow there will be thousands more alternate dimensions, thanks to
the position I find myself in.

I know what I want now and I'm not scared anymore. The human ability
to be scared of that which you desire is astounding. It makes sense
though, without purpose life is nothing; and what is purpose without
desire.

I have new goals to reach now. And I am not afraid. I will never be
afraid.

Stephen

Revision

2010-04-10T19:55:00.001+01:00

I started revision today after spending all of yesterday playing Mass Effect 2 and doing the Japanese Rosetta Stone.

So I’m going to do a week a day. Ill finish renal tomorrow. :D

What?

2010-04-07T19:31:00.001+01:00

I don’t understand so many things. :| I should just no interact with humans.

The Election has Begun

2010-04-06T10:32:00.001+01:00

This is an exciting day, all the mps have just lost their postion and the queen takes all the power again.

The latest polls put the conservatives at the lead with labour only 4 percentage points behind. This means, in our weird system, that if an election were held today labour would have the most seats.

We will have a hung parliament most probably, and I hope the lib-dems form a coalition with labour. Seeing as they are both center left parties.

I hope as predicted that labour will have the most seats, on the 6th of may and I hope everyone votes, because this is an important election. A very important one.

A few interesting websites:

Vote Match:General Election 2010 This asks you questions and shows which parties match your views, obviously don’t make your decision based on it, but its interesting if you are unsure.

http://www.voteforpolicies.org This site shows asks you which policies you believe in and shows you the party that matches with it. Interestingly showing a huge concordance with the Green party who are predicted to get their first seat this election.

Jesus Christ

2010-04-04T00:17:00.001+01:00

I am in love with an amazing guy.

2010-04-02T18:49:00.001+01:00

Deleted

2010-04-02T14:00:00.001+01:00

Deleted

I like this song, but lyrically it’s not that nice a message to think about.

2010-04-02T10:17:00.001+01:00

One day I won’t be confused about where my life is heading.

2010-04-02T10:04:00.001+01:00

That’ll be the day I sign my own DNAR.

Peter and the Wolf

2010-03-30T20:01:00.001+01:00

Love this so much. My most watched disney video cassette!

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMjU2MzkzODA=.html

I just wrote a piece of music for the piano.

2010-03-30T16:02:00.001+01:00

I found the file on an old usb stick, and I just finished it on my new sibelius 6.

If I ever master the skill to play it, I’ll let you all listen.

I love writing music.

I would advise everyone to listen to the second movement of Sibelius’ 6th symphony. The end is particularly beautiful.

And debussy’s Le Mer second movement. Lilting woodwind motifs are nice.

I just cried

2010-03-29T21:33:00.001+01:00

because I’ll never be able to have children with the man I love.

No matter who that man is, we’ll never be able to have a child that is a fusion of the both of us. Never ever ever.

Effectively I’m infertile. Or I guess you could say I’m not fecund.

On the way home with my mum from university, I broke into tears on the M62. Thankgod I wasn’t driving. I don’t want my parents to die.

I don’t want to be alone.

2010-03-29T16:42:00.001+01:00

Deleted

I’m Loving Mandalas Right now.

2010-03-22T22:36:00.001Z

Miles Away

2010-03-22T22:24:00.001Z

This is what I want to say to you.

I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.

Carol Ann Duffy

The General Public

2010-03-19T14:53:00.001Z

There is nothing like a bus journey to make you feel outcast. The bus is packed and the only space is next to me. The last person strode up the aisle and then looked and just stood a bit further down in the aisle. I am clearly horrifically unapproachable or possibly have a look of carrion about me. And this is the thanks i get for my marginally smaller carbon footprint.

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ERGH MY HEAD HAS EXPLODED INTO DEPTHS OF SUBCONCIOUS SELFREFLECTION I CANT FATHOM

2010-03-17T11:46:00.001Z

This said, I can’t actually function right now as my brain is too concerned about analysing past events and creating a more coherent picture of what is going on.

Basically, my brains defragging, so nap time it is.

PIMP MY RIDE

2010-03-17T11:36:00.001Z

I do love a pimped out trishaw. And believe me they are pimped out.

On a lighter note

2010-03-17T11:22:00.001Z

Certain components of my universe are acting in a previously unforeseen manner.

If I was an AI engineer, it would be time to pull the plug on this simulation. But alas the world is the world is the world.

So here are my options, remove the components from the system, repair the components, remove the components from the main pathways, or ignore the components.

I think I’ll just ignore for now.

It’s weird how something can exhibit such nice attributes, then seem to lose them all and wish to portray themselves in a solely negative light. All I wanted was to make these components a part of the more core functions. Even though they insist on making core function fail.

Things change it’s true. But I like to fill my beaker with buffer solution, in the hopes change won’t be so sudden.

Research

2010-03-17T11:12:00.002Z

I’ve spent roughly the last 4 weeks researching non-verbal effects on social conformity.

I have come to the conclusion that in a medical setting, in which there is no authoritative figure, there is no statistically conforming effect.

I will do a thorough statistical analysis later, but looking at the figures currently leads me to believe the former statement.

I think the more marked effect of non-verbal conforming forces is seen in adolescent peer pressure. I think it’s very easy to understand how you can be made to conform without even a word if you think back to your teenage years.

I like conformity, it’s vital. Society wouldn’t function without it, difference wouldn’t exist without it. Creativity spurs from conformity, whether working with it or against it. It creates parallel currents, adjuncts, and a huge plexus of flowing information.

My favourite part of my Theory of Knowledge at sixth form was the studying of social forces. I love the aspects of collective consciousness and conformity that can exist within a group of people. I love it even more now when I realise it works against the effects of our very genetics.

That’s what separates us from animals really, the fact that we don’t want to be who we are.

The new project

2010-03-15T19:19:00.001Z

Graph theory application to my personal decision making.

FUN TIMESSSSSSSSSSSS.

Also, due to my paranoid nature

2010-03-13T21:31:00.001Z

I’m quite versed in internet protocol tracking. So that comment was far from anonymous.

What a crazy week.

2010-03-13T21:26:00.002Z

Basically I have spent a small fortune, had hardly any sleep but enjoyed myself so much!

I went to this Star Wars Concert for Matthew’s birthday on Wednesday and it was so amazing! The oboist was phenomenal, her intonations were perfection! The C3PO guy is so outrageously gay, it was hilarious. I watches episode 4 with Matthew last night and it is so good. I forgot how much I like those sort of films, even if we did talk through it!

I just went to the Sheffield comedy Festival. I’m always a bit apprehensive about these sort of events, and I was initially a bit awkward as 6 of us sat in a room waiting for more people to arrive! It was so good though, I wish I was funny like a comedian. I just remembered the guy ranting about Bear Gryls, I love Bear Gryls, he did a show where he was naked and cut open an animal and slept inside it. He is insane.

I need to sleep now, so so badly.

Maybe I’ll play a little FFXiii.

Either way GOOD BYE

I don’t even need to make this excuse

2010-03-11T17:18:00.001Z

but I’m rather busy with my life right now, so I don’t have time to blog as regularly as I used to.

I make no apologies.

Skins

2010-03-10T14:33:00.002Z

Skins is the only mainstream show I’ve watched that portrays a gay person as having a happy life, and that also isn’t a comedy.

Maxxi has a relatively happy existence, he isn’t bullied, it;s not even really an issue that he’s gay at all. Emily and Naomi are the same. They have rough incidents, stalkers and the like, but there lives are markedly better than any of the straight characters storylines.

I salute skins, for being one of the few shows that says gay people can be happy.

30 Rock

2010-03-07T10:41:00.001Z

This has to be the funniest show I have ever watched all the way through. I honestly love the chemistry Alex Baldwin and Tina Fey have on screen.

It is so hilarious!

I want these.

2010-03-05T20:48:00.001Z

I found my old poetry book.

2010-03-04T23:24:00.001Z

It’s so cute.

I had alot of problems.

Haiku?

2010-03-04T23:14:00.001Z

Everyone is dead;

I spend all my time alone;

I am everyone.

Group Dynamics

2010-03-03T13:37:00.003Z

This has been a topic I have been researching for 3 weeks now? And my main conclusion is that there is nothing more turbulent and complex than a group of people.

Essentially all groups are a fight for conformity. A group cannot succeed unless there is a common goal. Therefore if someone is interrupting this goal they either have pressure to conform placed upon them, or they are alienated.

Groups are a complex system of feedback loops. A single word can change the group opinion of one person. People who don’t conform to a group are less liked.

Whole groups can come to decisions where not a single person benefits. That is an insane fact. Google Groupthink if you quite rightly don’t believe such a bizarre thing would be possible.

Essentially, people are crazy. Even more so when they come in multiples.

Infinity?

2010-03-01T23:16:00.002Z

Please note this is heavy, you will have to bear with me. I’ll try and make it systematic.

Here are my assumptions: the universe is finite, something has to be perceivable to exist.

The concept of infinity is useful in mathematics. It helps solve all sorts of problems that would just take far too long if we had to use REAL numbers. Real as in a quantity not as in non-imaginary.

However, it is purely a concept. In fact I would go as far as to say that the concept of infinity is incorrect. I would go as far as to say that there is one number that is the biggest. At least practically.

If the universe is finite then it has a set level of energy within it, and thanks to the laws of thermodynamics this level does not change. This energy is linked to a finite number of atoms within the universe. These atoms in whichever way they interact limit the effect of “infinity”.

If all the atoms in the universe were made in to the most efficient processing “thing” in the world, what would be the biggest number it could comprehend? This is the question I ask myself. Is a number bigger than the number of atoms, or sub atomic particles etc, useful?

I think that the concept of the infinite is bizarre. It’s placed in the mind of everyone, yet is something that no one can ever comprehend. It is uncomprehendable by its very nature. To comprehend something requires time, no matter how small, and surely in that time you will find more of that which is infinite to comprehend.

The usefulness of infinity is minimal. It provides comfort in forms of afterlives I suppose. However I hate it. I hate how such a concept exists. I hate how it is assumed that something could be infinite. It seems the most counterintuitive thing in the world to me. Things have to have limits. Everything does.

If I could abolish anything it would be “infinity”.

formspring.me

2010-02-25T12:20:00.002Z

DELETED

Time Stops for No Man

2010-02-12T22:31:00.001Z

Today I am 20. Today I am happy. These events are not mutually exclusive.

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Religion?

2010-02-10T09:36:00.000Z

It seems to be fashionable to critique religion right now. It's getting a bit non progressive and dogmatic. Most people who talk against religion point out the same points and repeat the same examples to anyone will listen. It becomes as repetetive and unprogressive as the religions they are 'preaching' against. Welcome back into the land of the religious.

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formspring.me

2010-02-10T09:29:00.001Z

Why aren't you answering questions and blogging any more?

i dont have a laptop so its quite hard to keep up on my phone. But dont worry im ordering a laptop tonight :] soon there will be far ro much question answering and blogging!

Ask me anything

The Orgy that is my Thought Process

2010-02-04T20:35:00.004Z

Well the impulsive me is back. It's been nearly a year since I reigned it in. But I don't need to anymore. My life is now focused on making me happy.

I don't need to care about keeping myself structured. I'm just gonna let everything out. And besides I haven't had a crazy night in ages. Tonight is the first impulsive act I will make. It will be good. My writting doesn't seem to want to come out. It's strange. I've put so much into talking today that there is nothing left inside.

Anyways, time to open the wine and get to the parttty.

formspring.me

2010-02-03T19:41:00.001Z

What do you see yourself doing in 10 years time?

I would like nothing more than to be appreciated. I'd love to work in medical research or public health. I'd live in a city appartment, have amazing friends near and far, be politically active. I'd be with someone. But thats another story. :)

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-02-03T10:48:00.001Z

I don't understand you and Matt he always seemd v. cold.

I don't think you really have any basis of justification at all. End.

Ask me anything

2010-02-02T20:32:00.004Z

I do like this picture. I really despise alot of the things that abstract concepts of wealth have brought society. It was better before the ideas of virtual credit and non-real gains. When money had to exist for it to mean anything. Now it is mostly invisible but worth more than ever. Strange.

People say they refuse to believe in God because they cannot see him, I think I feel the same about money. The more I age the less I wish it existed.

Crash

2010-02-02T20:19:00.004Z

Well there have been some recent revelations.

I'm not sure whether they have allowed me to reach any conclusions. But they have certainly helped me to lay down my possibilities.

What I'm basically saying is that I don't know what I want to do. I just now know what I can do. I can either be friends, which is what I want but apparently he doesn't, or I can just say farewell. The first option will probably morph into the second anyway. :(

One things for sure, this will be my last M post.

The Limbic System

2010-01-30T02:14:00.004Z

Both the best and worst thing about being human.
The limbic system is the emotional processing system.

My favourite effect of the limbic system involves music. Have you ever had that feeling when you listen to a certain passgage or musical phrase and your body tingles? If you haven't then I'm sorry as it is the most humbling feelings I've experienced. For that brief tingle you can feel everything. Your limbic system stops inhibiting neurones, and thus all the things your body normally ignores are brought to your attention. For that split second you know you truely exist. That's why I love classical music. You never get it with anyother kind. There is one song called bussiness girls by Le Sport which makes me feel like this, but its a 5 second passage. With classical music it's more regular. The auditory patterns of classical music help the brain to create the infamous delta patterns. These are meditative. It all comes down to classical music having a flow and 'popular music' having a beat.

The limbic system is also responsible for the physical pain you feel when you are super depressed. That.s when it goes rogue. It works against you. It's a fickle thing. It tries to enhance every situation towards extremes. It's hyperactive in alot of people with bipolar disorder.

But anyway, the limbic system moved me today. It made me tingle. Sat in the cinema with a good hundred plus people, it made me feel alive.

Thankyou brain.

Tonight is lonely

2010-01-29T02:11:00.004Z

I am weak. I am feeble.

I can't sleep, I don't want to eat.

I understand now though. And understanding helps.

I went to this therapist over christmas and I understand what she said. I live off potentials. Thinking aboutwhat could happen, creating plans for things that will never happen.

The reason this hurts so much is because I've lost all of that.

It's certainly pulled me back into the time frame. It's too hard to think about the future now. There are so many variables, and even the most inconsequencial could have huge effects. I find it impossible to define any part let alone the sum.

Sometimes I just stare at the sky from my bed and watch it. Just watch.

I'm sick of people telling me everything is going to be OK. It's ridiculous. Of course it'll be OK. That isn't why breakups are hard. It's because you lose something you'll never get again. You lose that potential. That thing everyone is driving towards. Until there is something else I am stranded. Stranded in some disgusting wasteland that reeks of indecision.

Tonight is lonely.

formspring.me

2010-01-29T01:53:00.001Z

Fuck, Marry or Kill. Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg?

fuck gordon, kill cameron and marry clegg.

You are most certainly not a tw*t as the last person suggested, nor are you anything horrible. Where do these people come from and why do they waste their time?!

Thankyou. :) It's nice to be reminded you aren't the worst person in the world every now and again. I guess everyone is a tw*at at some level.

Ask me anything

2010-01-28T00:38:00.001Z

The world is different now. Colour is gone. A disgusting veil spreads over time, pushing backwards as much as it drives forwards. Nothing is sacred.

It's hard to think about anything else. What else is there to think? I grab for anything. I create circumstance in the hopes it will consume. It seldom works, it only functions as a spotlight directing me to the obvious focus of my attention.

I try to drive. Get to where I want to be. But you can't jump a red light, not if the punishment is never being able to drive again. You have to wait. It's a long wait to amber. Everything is fine with amber. You know where you are with amber.

I'm lost. I'm new but i'm not. My mind is rejecting the new person i'm trying to become. When i'm alone it peels away. That one crack in the glass that ensures the panes destruction.

Paranoia is in power, reason has abdicated, and desperation is held back. The ruling is one of slight majority. Desperation has a right to be free, regardless of what damage it could cause.

It's as if the world were created for you. Everything is stamped with you. Everything worth stamping. I can't look and see anything. I can't go anywhere.
The real irony is that you are able. The one thing that was present with us is still present now: those fucking polarised emotions. But it makes me wonder, maybe I have to be sad for you to be happy.

You just won't let me try.
Rhyme is overrated.

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2010-01-27T12:44:00.002Z

Why is eveyrone connected in to a crazy network? I mean is there ultimately only one social strand through which everyone can be traced?

It actually pisses me off a bit. Maybe there is more that one strand. But even still in localised environments there aren't many.

I'm not sure if it is good or bad. But for everyone to know everyone strikes me as being a rather depressing way to build an enforced consensus and push it on to everyone.

2010-01-26T22:46:00.000Z

Today was good. I didn't even think about how much I miss him. But then again the things occupying my mind are just to bizzare for me to consider plus points.

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In Concrete

2010-01-26T18:25:00.004Z

Times are crazy. Times are fast moving.

I wish I had some sort of control on how I perceived time. It seems to be rushing past me at lightning speed. Even if I spend most of my time waiting for it to move on.

I'm in a weird situation, on several fronts. Things I don't even understand. Idiopathic situations with no real aetiology. Cause and effect doesn't seem to apply to me.

I feel guilty for things that haven't happened. I feel a bit awful about lots of stuff. And ultimately one part of my brain is shouting so what, fuck that shit. And another part, the victor in this metaphoric meeting, is just saying, embrace this change.

Unfortunately I'm not up to having a big ponderous typing session on who is really in control: the mind or the brain.

Though I like the idea of doing that some time soon.

But anyways, back to the matter at hand, sometimes WTF is the only adjective.

Say it, just say it.

My boyfriend

Just like him so much.

I’m a bit scared

So..

Push and pull.

It's so easy to hate.

What does it mean?

GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHAGREHGEHE

Figures

Wait just one minute *with columbo style finger wag*

No more posts today.

This blog just cracks me up.

A dream and a picture just ruined my day

What do I want from people?

I feel like I’m getting an illegal thrill.

I just want to say…

I’m just awful

Choice

Small world

ERIK HASSLE!!!

Thought Crime

The day is nearly over

A want

Such a joke

ERGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

:]

Early Morning Musings.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Concrete

Haiku 2

Orchestra

How can one person make you feel this bad.

Oh so this is what it feels like

Shhhhhhhhh

Set back

Is it a problem?

The Wonders of the Modern Age

Communications

OMGGGGG

Today

Human Experience v1.01

How do you say sorry to a person who thinks the word sorry is overused?

I shouldn’t feel bad

JUST USE A JAR!

My Life as a Mathematical Function

Golly

Crazy diets

ARGHHHHH

Work in progress.

Human Experience v1.0

To my readers (if any)

Revision

What?

The Election has Begun

Jesus Christ

I like this song, but lyrically it’s not that nice a message to think about.

One day I won’t be confused about where my life is heading.

Peter and the Wolf

I just wrote a piece of music for the piano.

I just cried

I’m Loving Mandalas Right now.

Miles Away

The General Public

ERGH MY HEAD HAS EXPLODED INTO DEPTHS OF SUBCONCIOUS SELFREFLECTION I CANT FATHOM

PIMP MY RIDE

On a lighter note

Research

The new project

Also, due to my paranoid nature

What a crazy week.

I don’t even need to make this excuse

Skins

30 Rock

I want these.

I found my old poetry book.

Haiku?

Group Dynamics

Infinity?

formspring.me

Wait just one minute with columbo style finger wag